


Paint My Spirit Gold

by sperrywink



Category: due South
Genre: Episode: s03e12 Mountie on the Bounty, Episode: s03e22 Call of the Wild, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 14:57:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sperrywink/pseuds/sperrywink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-MotB and Post-CotW: how they bracket Fraser and Ray Kowalski's relationship and how things could have developed between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint My Spirit Gold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clevermanka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clevermanka/gifts).



> Thank you to M. for the wonderful beta. I really appreciate them stepping up and doing it for me.

Wrapping up the booking of the suspects from the Henry Allen, Fraser remained relieved over his continuing partnership with Ray. He felt like such a weight had been lifted off his shoulders that he was initially able to ignore the little voice in the back of his head that said he wanted more from Ray, and was just too afraid to ask. 

As the night progressed that little voice grew louder and louder, and harder to ignore. Outside the Consulate, watching Ray walk away to get back into his car, his heart clenching behind his ribcage, Fraser knew he was a coward. Wild thoughts of running after Ray and sweeping him into his arms filled Fraser's mind, but he remained motionless, holding his hat in his hands, gripping the brim tight. He was screaming on the inside, but his legs remained locked in place.

He was fearless in chasing down suspects, and following leads. He believed in maintaining the right wholeheartedly, and would do everything in his power to make sure justice was served. His reputation for that went as far back as The Depot. Yet when it came time to tell someone, anyone, how much they meant to him, the words choked in his throat.

He had followed his father’s advice about taking a leap of faith and turning down the transfer, but he couldn’t go that next step. He didn’t know how, particularly when the outcome was so important to him. He loved the friendship he had with Ray. He wanted more, but was afraid of being left with less.

He could psychoanalyze himself and see the triggers in his past that made him this way, but he didn't care about that. It was the here and now that mattered. And in the here and now, Ray was driving away only knowing that Fraser would remain his partner. He did not know how much Fraser yearned for more with him.

When Ray’s car disappeared around the corner, Fraser heaved a resigned sigh. Diefenbaker yipped at him, and Fraser could see the disappointment and amusement on his countenance. He said, "Your mockery is unappreciated."

Diefenbaker yipped again.

Fraser put on his hat. "I don't care what you say, dead rabbits are only a good courting gift for wolves, not people." 

He then turned, and walked into the Consulate. Luckily it was late enough that no one else was there, Thatcher and Turnbull having headed to their respective homes after the suspects were in custody. Diefenbaker slipped in behind him, but he just huffed his displeasure in Fraser's direction, and headed towards the kitchen.

Fraser left him alone, and went into his office instead. Opening the closet to get a fresh pair of long johns, he was unsurprised to find his father frowning at him. His father said, "The Yank, son? There's no need for that kind of grief."

"There's nothing wrong with Ray."

"For a Yank, sure. But all Yanks are touched in the head." His father waved one hand with spread fingers around his ear and made a face. 

Somewhat sharply, Fraser replied, “You’re one to talk about being touched in the head.”

“I may be a ghost, son, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have all my marbles.” 

Not wanting to get into it, Fraser pulled out a set of long johns and closed the door in his father’s face. He could hear his father berating him through the door of the closet, but he resolutely turned away.

He changed, carefully hanging his uniform on a hanger on the back of his office door. He would need to get it dry cleaned tomorrow. It smelled of smoke bombs, and damp mildew. Lying down, he heaved a big sigh and tried to get comfortable.

He was still tossing and turning three hours later. His thoughts were too jumbled to allow him to sleep. He didn’t want to be afraid of Ray’s reaction, he wanted to be brave. He wanted to go after what he wanted in life, and the chance to be happier. On the one hand, he felt like that made him a selfish person, but in the next instant he would be defiant about pursuing his own happiness. After all, he wasn’t hurting anyone by wanting what he wanted. How could wanting love be such a bad thing?

As dawn neared, Fraser knew he had made his choice. He didn’t want to continue as he was. His brain was too flushed with the success of his bid for partnership, he felt like he had to strike while the iron was hot for a chance at love. He didn’t want to live controlled by fear. Resolute, he quickly got up, and went to the closet. When he opened the door, his father said, “Go get him, son. I might not understand, but I don’t want you making the mistakes I made either.”

Fraser simply nodded determinedly back. Dressing in jeans, a Henley, and his jacket, Fraser put on his hat and swept out of his office, Diefenbaker on his heels.

The walk to Ray’s apartment in the brisk and cool air helped firm up Fraser’s resolve. He could do this. It would be worth it.

Outside of Ray’s door he could hear music faintly through the thin walls. Closing his eyes for a second, he took off his hat, and ran a hand through his hair. He was still resolute, but he realized he hadn’t prepared what he was going to say. He knew there was no point in waiting until he had the perfect speech; Ray would never let him get through it uninterrupted anyway. So Fraser knocked.

The music turned off, but the door didn’t open. Fraser knocked again. Finally, Ray opened the door, already speaking. “Fraser! You should know not to come calling at six a.m. I thought, well, never mind what I thought. What’s wrong? It’s not the Henry Allen bookings, right?” Ray was already turning away to store his firearm as he waved Fraser into his apartment. Diefenbaker trotted in ahead of Fraser, and jumped to curl up on the couch.

Fraser could see he had startled Ray, hence the firearm, and he realized he hadn’t really thought about how receptive Ray would be to his advances given it was early morning after a late night, and Ray had always been more of a night owl. Taking off his hat, he said, “Nothing is wrong, Ray. I just needed to tell you something.”

“This something couldn’t have waited until a more decent hour?”

“Not really.” He rubbed his eyebrow, but stopped abruptly when he caught Ray watching him closely.

Ray said, “Looks serious. Let me get some coffee. You want tea? I have some around here somewhere.”

“No, thank you.”

Shrugging, Ray went to the kitchen and began making coffee. Fraser left him to it; he wanted Ray in a receptive mood before he made his confession.

Fraser watched as Ray's coffee brewed, Ray tapping impatiently on the counter. Ray would shoot him curious glances every now and then, but the silence was comfortable.

Finally, Ray poured a cup, adding an ice cube to cool the coffee a bit, as well as his normal candies, and stirred. He blew across the top of the cup, and took a sip, leaning with his back against the counter.

Fraser said, "So-," but Ray held up a hand, and Fraser stopped, coughing in discomfort.

"Let me get a couple mouthfuls first, Fraser." It was obvious Ray had picked up on Fraser's mood and knew this was important. He was watching Fraser seriously, and drinking his coffee steadily.

Finally, Ray put down his cup, and said, "Hit me." 

Taking a big breath, Fraser tried to gather his thoughts. He suddenly wished he had used the moments of silence to craft a speech, instead of staring at Ray. Holding his hat behind his back, Fraser moved into parade rest. "Well Ray, while I am glad that we will remain partners, that is to say our partnership is very important to me, I find that, well, there are certain life events that I wish to share, that is to say _you_ are very important to me also. I realized tonight that life is short, and there are always obstacles and fears to overcome, but if something, someone, is worth it, one should take steps to secure their affections."

Stopping, Fraser rubbed his eyebrow, wondering if he was making any sense. He checked out Ray's expression, to see how he was taking Fraser's words. Ray looked inscrutable, but Fraser didn't know if that was because he had no idea what Fraser was talking about, or if it was because he didn't know what to say. 

He continued. "What I'm trying to say is-."

Ray interrupted, "I know what you’re trying to say, Frase. This wasn’t where I was expecting this conversation to go, but I got your drift." 

His expression didn't change, and Fraser still had no idea how he was taking Fraser's words. "Ah, well good then."

Silence descended, more fraught this time. Fraser waited, hoping Ray would say something further, but Ray just picked up his coffee cup, and drained the rest of his drink, his eyes downcast. He looked introspective and more muted than he usually did.

"Ray-."

"Stop, Fraser." Ray didn’t even look up as he halted Fraser’s words.

Fraser closed his mouth with a click as dread began filling his heart. It was obvious that Ray was not ecstatic about Fraser's confession, and Fraser was beginning to fear he had made a huge mistake.

Finally Ray looked up into Fraser's eyes, and said. "I’m not saying no.”

Fraser quirked his lips, as a stone settled in his heart. Even he knew where this was going. Wryly he asked, “But?”

“But by declining the transfer, I am still Ray Vecchio, and I’m guessing you and he weren’t knocking boots.”

“Ah, indeed, no.” Fraser blushed. He hadn’t even been thinking about Ray Vecchio and how the subterfuge in keeping his cover in Chicago would be affected. Fraser berated himself mentally for missing such a big part of the picture. Love always did undo him, and made him blind.

“My undercover gig is already pretty thin. We look nothing alike, and too many people know, but I still don’t want to get him and me confused. Ray Kowalski is in love with you, not me as Ray Vecchio.”

Even though he tried to control himself, Fraser’s heart leapt with Ray’s words. He could feel a smile blooming on his face. “Love? So you’re saying?”

“Yeah, I’m saying, plain as day.” He grinned at Fraser, the happiness shining out of his eyes, and Fraser was helpless in not smiling back. This was the _Ray_ he wanted and loved wholeheartedly. Vibrant and thrumming with energy, emotion shining out of his eyes. “But we gotta wait until the gig is over, which sucks, but that’s the way it is. We couldn’t be partners if I wasn’t Ray Vecchio.”

“Right you are, Ray. I can wait if you can.” He wanted to ask when Ray had known, how deep his feelings ran, so many things, but even if Ray had said yes unconditionally, Fraser knew he never would have asked those questions. It just wasn’t in him to pry and revel in emotion that way, even when he wanted to.

“It took me years to get Stella. Waiting for what I want is not an issue for me. I’m in.”

They stood there smiling at each other, until the silence stretched long, and Fraser realized he had no idea what happened next. He guessed he would leave, and there would just be an unspoken understanding between them. He could feel the change deep in his heart, but it seemed so weird to be in love, and have his love acknowledged and returned, but for there to be no difference in his life. He coughed, and finally turned away, fiddling with his hat. “So I guess I should-.”

“Hey, come here.” Ray pushed himself off of the counter, turned Fraser back around, and then wrapped his arms around Fraser in a hug. Relaxing into his embrace, Fraser tried to memorize the feelings of warmth and security that washed over him. He didn’t know when he would get the opportunity for this again.

Whispering in Fraser’s ear, Ray said, “It’ll be worth it,” and then brushed a kiss along Fraser’s jawline. Fraser turned towards the electric feel of lips against his skin, and Ray brushed another kiss at the corner of his mouth. Fraser shuddered out a sigh, and rested his forehead against Ray’s. He knew they couldn’t risk more. If they kissed for real, Fraser would never want to stop. 

Stepping back, Fraser looked into Ray’s eyes. They were brimming with emotion, as he suspected his own were, and his heart felt lighter. Knowing he was no longer alone with his feelings made them easier to bear.

Ray said, “Since we’re both up, let’s go to the station. With the Henry Allen business, we kind of left those retail robberies hanging.”

“As you wish, Ray.” Fraser put on his hat.

Grabbing his coat, and nudging Diefenbaker to get him off the couch, Ray said, “Pitter-patter, Dief, the day’s a-wasting.”

Fraser opened the door, and as they left Ray’s apartment, they settled into their rhythm of being partners. Although there was a bittersweet taste to it, Fraser was happy, which was better than what he had been before.

* * *

The next six months flew by, as time seemed to move faster the older Fraser got. It wasn’t easy; there were many lonely nights, and crippling desire sometimes, but those things ebbed and flowed like the Chicago winds, and Fraser got used to them the way he was used to a lot of things.

So when Ray Vecchio opened that hotel door, Fraser was so happy to see his friend again, that he didn’t immediately consider the implications for him and Ray Kowalski. And then this was so quickly followed by Vecchio getting shot to protect him, and revelations about Muldoon murdering his mother, that Fraser fell back on his dedication to duty and honor. He didn’t know how else to deal with the feelings of betrayal and hurt that were coursing through him.

He caught Muldoon, with the help of his father, and after the paperwork was filed and dotted, he felt lost again. He could feel change in the air, but he couldn’t foresee which way the future would go. He didn’t know if he would be gaining more than he had already lost.

As he pondered everything, he looked out over the snowy landscape. The wind had picked up overnight, and it was biting into his exposed face, but it felt refreshing. Like a physical reminder of all that had chafed and buffered him over the last couple of days. They were still at the closest RCMP outpost as they waited for prisoner transport. The jails were overflowing, but they should get picked up today, assuming the wind didn’t foretell a storm coming in. 

He sensed someone coming up behind him, and turned to see Ray. A bit surprised, Fraser said, “I thought you had gone back to Chicago.” He hadn’t seen Ray for a couple days. He had sorely missed him, and that had added to his feelings of loss.

“And leave you to deal by yourself? Not in a million years.” Ray looked defiant, but also nervous. “I know I couldn’t help you with the official stuff, so I made myself scarce for that, but I’m still here for you for everything else.”

“Everything else?”

“Your mom, and what Muldoon did. That kind of stuff.”

It was on the tip of Fraser’s tongue to say there was nothing to talk about, but with startling clarity that night where they had pledged their feelings was brought to the forefront of his mind. He suddenly realized that Ray wasn’t undercover anymore. He was Ray Kowalski, free to live and love however he wanted. And what he wanted was to love Fraser. 

It was more than a little overwhelming on top of everything else, but in a good way. Maybe everything he had lost wasn’t going to be the whole story. Maybe he would gain something too. Still, the wounds regarding his parent’s deaths and losing their ghosts were too fresh for him to actually want to talk about them. He said, “Thank you for the offer, Ray, but I don’t think talking will be fruitful at this juncture.”

“No, of course not. I was thinking more of getting away together.”

“What do you mean?” Fraser could see that Ray looked nervous, but his courage despite his fears had always impressed Fraser, and it came through for him now.

Ray said, “I know you don’t want to go back to Chicago, hell, I’m not sure I want to go back either. I got nothing holding me there anymore. Anyway, I got some time coming to me, and I figured we could maybe go on an adventure. You know, search for that reaching hand or something.”

“You want to go looking for Franklin’s hand?”

“That’s the guy, yeah.”

Choked up, Fraser could just stammer Ray’s name. “Ray-”

Luckily Ray was now on a groove. He interrupted Fraser to say, “I know we never talked about that thing that we couldn’t do nothing about, but even if you changed your mind, I’m still here for you, Frase.” 

Now Fraser knew what to say. “I haven’t changed my mind, Ray.”

“Oh.” Ray looked hopeful and happy, and Fraser was helpless against his desire to smile widely at Ray. So he did. Ray smiled back, and then they both turned away with little laughs and Fraser could feel the connection thrum between them as strong as it’s ever been. He looked back so he could catalogue Ray’s downturned face and jubilant smile, and felt his heart jump in his throat.

Ray coughed awkwardly, and the smile on his face dimmed, but as he turned back to Fraser his eyes were still dancing. “I know you have to do stuff to get Muldoon and the Bolt brothers squared away, so I’ll just hang with Dief and maybe we can talk tonight?”

“I would like that very much, Ray.”

“Coolness,” Ray said, and then he rubbed his obviously cold hands together, and headed back inside, with one last lingering glance at Fraser. Fraser gave him a little wave, and tried to dampen the grin on his face. It would just invite questions if he was too happy, and Fraser and Ray hadn’t discussed how or when they would tell people.

Fraser worked diligently through the day. Luckily the wind never worsened into a storm, so they were able to transport the prisoners as planned. As Fraser watched the planes take off from the airstrip, and take Muldoon and the Bolt clan away, he felt a twinge of relief. Muldoon couldn’t taunt him anymore, and justice would be served without him having to bear Muldoon’s presence a second longer. He would have to testify, as would Ray, but that would be months from now. There would be time for an adventure in between.

Buck Frobisher came to stand next to him as they both watched the planes disappear in the distant sky. Fraser looked over at him, and wondered what was going through his mind. If anyone had been as affected by Muldoon’s presence as Fraser, it had been Buck. Buck looked pensive, an unfamiliar expression on his face, and Fraser felt uncomfortable.

To break the silence and maybe get Buck to look more like himself, Fraser asked, “Is there any possibility of borrowing a dog sled and accoutrements, sir?” 

Buck shook the look off his face, and turned to Fraser with curiosity. “You planning a trip, Benton?”

“Ray and I were thinking of looking for Franklin’s reaching hand.”

“Good man, that Ray, but I don’t know if snow is his forté.”

“We’ll be together.”

With a cagey look, Buck said, “Well, no surprise there, really.” Before Fraser could comment on that, he continued with, “We do have a spare rig and dogs at the training outpost. They could use a good workout.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Clapping Fraser on the back, Buck said, “I’m always here for you, Benton.”

Too full of emotion to reply properly, Fraser just nodded. Buck seemed to understand. They turned back to the transport truck, and talked about what would be needed for the adventure the whole way back to the outpost. 

With the prisoners gone, there wasn’t much left to do. Fraser and Buck made plans to go to Buck’s training outpost by way of a town with a store where they could get gear for Ray. Buck wanted to leave the next morning, so Fraser went looking for Ray.

He finally found him in the bunk area with Dief, reading a beaten-up paperback. He was sprawled on the bed and Fraser noticed the long lines of his legs, and the relaxed set of his shoulders. Dief whuffed a hello, and Ray looked up distractedly until he saw it was Fraser. Then he smiled widely. “Hey, you. Everything go all right?”

“Yes. The prisoners are off to Regina.”

“Good riddance.”

“While I normally give people the benefit of the doubt, I couldn’t agree more.” Ray bent his legs, and taking the hint, Fraser sat down. He said, “I was talking with Buck Frobisher about our adventure.”

“Oh, yeah? What’d he have to say?”

“He has a dogsledding team that needs a workout that we can borrow.”

“Coolness. I have a lot to learn, don’t I?”

“Well, quite frankly, yes. But I have faith, and I’ll be there every step of the way.”

With a grin, Ray replied, “You’ve already dragged my useless ass over a mountain; over an ice floe should be no problem.”

Feeling more relaxed than he had in days, Fraser pushed at Ray’s shin by his thigh, but then didn’t take his hand away, instead letting it rest there. “You weren’t useless, just… unfamiliar.”

Ray tucked his sock-clad feet under Fraser’s thigh, and smiled warmly at him. Holding up his book, he said, “Well, I promise to be more… familiar this time around. I’ve been doing research.” 

Fraser looked at the front of the book, and couldn’t help the laugh that barked out. It was a romance novel with a husky man behind a dogsled team, and inside the sled was a blonde woman with flowing hair, and who was scantily-clad, despite the obvious snow around them. It was a romance novel of the sort Francesca would love.

Grinning at him, Ray sat up until he was leaning his elbows on his knees. Their faces were inches apart and Fraser couldn’t help but glance down at Ray’s lips. Ray licked his bottom lip, and when Fraser tore his gaze upwards, found that Ray’s eyes were hooded with desire too.

Ray reached out to tug on Fraser’s shoulder. “Hey, come here.” Leaning forward, Fraser was warmed to think that this was going to be their first kiss. Ray’s lips were chapped, but he wetted them again right before their lips touched. At first it was chaste, them just getting a feel for the contact. Then Ray touched Fraser’s jaw and tilted his head, and their mouths opened so their tongues could slide against one another perfectly. Fire danced in Fraser as they kissed and kissed.

Finally Ray broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against Fraser’s. “I’m guessing this isn’t the time or place.”

“Ah, probably not. There is no privacy here, unfortunately.”

“We’ll have a lot of privacy on the trail, though. I can wait.”

Remembering Buck’s face, and suddenly worried Ray wanted to keep them a secret, Fraser asked, “Is that? Never mind.”

“No never minds, is that what?” 

Ray simply looked confused, and Fraser took heart from that. “We never discussed what we would tell people.”

“You don’t want to tell people?” 

Fraser could see Ray’s face closing off, and it pained his heart. He reached out and took Ray’s hand. “Not at all. I was worried, well, I know this is a big change.”

“Oh, you were worried I wouldn’t have the balls to say anything.”

“No, Ray!”

“It’s okay, Fraser. I’m not mad. This is a big change for the both of us, but I’ve been thinking about it since that night. I don’t want to hide. I would yell it from the rooftops if I could. You’re the best thing to have happened to me.” 

Dief woofed, and Ray grinned and ruffled Dief’s neck. “You too, Dief. But my point stands. You guys are my life now. I don’t want to pretend something different.”

Tears prickled at the back of Fraser’s eyes. Ray wasn’t always eloquent, but he was honest and direct, and Fraser envied him that. Fraser choked on important speeches, like he was now. Ray, knowing him as well as he did, just pulled him into a hug once he looked at Fraser’s face. He said, “Okay, so we’re on the same page, understood.”

All Fraser could do was nod, and smell Ray’s neck, where he had tucked his face. They clung to each other for long moments, until Dief weaseled in-between them, and Ray started laughing, letting Fraser go. Fraser couldn’t contain his happy grin either as he straightened up.

Ray asked, “So what are the plans for our adventure?” And with a happiness bubbling inside that was hard to contain, Fraser began outlining all the details he and Buck had worked out.

Ray held his hand and asked intelligent questions, and Fraser hoped his life would always feel as full and fulfilling as it did right now.


End file.
